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I have to say something that’s on my mind. Sometimes it’s pretty difficult to put a lot of things out there, but that is what I’m going to do. I feel it’s something I must do – share stories of life.

Some days ago now, someone who became part of my life for some years has passed away. We weren’t incredibly close, and in fact weren’t even the greatest people to each other for the years we had known each other. I met this girl outside of a punk show in Cleveland, OH when I was 18. We dated for a very short period of time until things quickly went in a negative direction, though we would continue to hang out for years after. A lot would come to happen between both of us, as well as the people we all associated with as a group. Everybody began getting sucked into things that were bad for us, and with some of us, it took control far too heavily, dragging many down into a crazy and awful world. Some have left us forever, and some are still stuck.

I’m sure we hung out more than anybody really knew, and it’s an odd thing to really explain. Half the time we would practically hate each other, but it wasn’t really “hate.” This is where it becomes difficult to explain. We would be shitty people towards each other – me to her, or her to me, though we would always end up hanging out, seeing each other soon after, and acting as if nothing had ever happened. It was a mutual “don’t give a shit” friendship at this point.

A lot happened between us over the course of those years. Things eventually grew worse, and we began to grow further and further apart from even seeing each other like we had. Relationships between friends became bland and full of stress, as all began getting sucked into things that were bad for us. We would spend our afternoons and evenings figuring out how we were going to get by for the night. Things none of us cared to control began dragging each one of us down further and further. Nobody cared to stop anybody. When you’re in that position, nobody cares for anybody the way they truly should. It’s like you’re looking into a book, but only seeing black and white – you’re not actually reading the pages. Everything becomes a blur.

We would end up in dirty rooms, full of thick smoke and nauseating tension. In a place like this, the air feels so heavy, you can’t find motivation or strength to get out of the chair you’ve gotten yourself stuck in. And we saw this as what we wanted to do…this is how we wanted to spend our nights.

I eventually had to make a positive decision between the hundreds of negative ones. I would need to cut almost everybody I was hanging out with from my life. I still saw her on the occasion. We would hang out, sometimes for a few days straight. Interaction between us became even more scattered, and days we hung out became fewer and further between – far less than before.

The last time I saw her was toward the end of 2014, but the last time I talked to her was earlier this year. I can’t say the last conversation we had was very meaningful – I was quite short with her, not wanting to get involved with whatever she wanted. Though there may not have been a ton of interaction between us for the past couple of years, there was more over the course of the last 7 than probably a lot of people really know.

You don’t truly realize things until all they are, are memories. I can’t say I’m heartbroken, but in ways I am sad. It’s like various feelings have been unearthed when I think of everything that had ever happened between us. It makes me realize – even when you don’t think of something, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a collection of memories, good or bad, just buried away somewhere hiding. It was a part of your life – it fits SOMEWHERE. The smallest things can remind you of past experiences with a person. When I look at her death, and think of these memories, I can’t help but feel strange. What’s strange, is that I will never talk to her again, never see her even in public or get a random phone call like I always would. I can’t say that I was sitting around waiting for any of these things, but it’s strange to think that it’s not even a possibility anymore…She’s no longer here.

The last conversation between us, we left off on a negative note. You don’t really think about it this way until something like this happens. Remember to always leave off on a positive note with anyone in your life, no matter how you are feeling towards them.
If she could have turned herself around and away from everything she was doing, things could have been different. It’s really sad how something can take control of people so much in such a dark way, and it’s really sad that she couldn’t change her mind.

Like I said earlier, I can’t say I’m “heartbroken,” but quite sad in some strange ways. Though her and I hadn’t communicated much in a long period of time, it still hits those memories, the good and the bad.

You want to make sure your friend or family member gets the help they need? If you want to be sure, spend as much time as you possibly can with them – do not let them out of your sight if that’s what it means. This is all you can really do. I know we can’t all do that, but if you can and want to, you should. You can beg someone to stop, but they won’t even be able to hear you.

In the end though, it’s ultimately going to come down to them, and they need to make a decision. Sad thing is, most of the time it won’t be a positive one. It’s a crazy and fucked up world.

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This is the last remaining photo I could find of us. A group mirror photo taken at Great Lakes mall.

R.I.P. to Kellie Warner and all others, friends or family, who have been taken far too early from this life.

9 thoughts on “It’s a Crazy Life

  1. Sorry for your loss. This hit home because I’ve had people like this in my life. Sometimes people just bring out emotion in bigger bunches than anyone else does, and often it’s negative. Yet it makes you feel….alive, even when it’s negative. I had one relationship in college that was only four months long, and it reminded me exactly of a lot of what you said, and when I look back, it seems like it was four years just because of the amount and intensity of emotion that we brought out in each other. I think if I found out anything ever happened to her, it would effect me the same way, even though it’s been 15 years plus since I’ve seen her.

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